[SATIRE] Tensions Rise as TMC Discloses Plan to Contest Bengaluru Civic Polls

Bengaluru. The Trinamool Congress (TMC) has announced its plans to enter Karnataka. Speaking at a press conference here today, TMC supremo Ms. Mamata Banerjee or Didi, flanked by Derek O’Brien and Bobby Hakim on either side, said, “To begin with, we will contest the upcoming BBMP (Bruhat Bengaluru Mahanagara Palike) polls, in all 198 wards.” She further said, “This was always on the cards! I think we now have more Bengalis in the city than Kannadigas! So, who will take care of them if not me?”

When a journalist pointed out that in terms of number of native speakers, Bengali was way behind the likes of Tamil, Telugu and even Hindi, Ms. Banerjee, clearly not used to being questioned or contradicted, looked visibly agitated. She retorted, “Shono! Oxford University Press said in 2007 that Bangalore is a place where people mainly speak Bengali! 2007 was Left zamana! I came to power in 2011, you think what Left can do, I cannot better that? Are you a Maobaadi or what?”

The journalist, clearly under pressure at being called something he didn’t know the meaning of, made one last futile attempt to explain that OUP had later clarified and apologized for the typo. Didi, however, was by now at her ferocious best, and she snapped, “You think you know more than Oxford? Also, why do you think they changed the name from Bangalore to BENGALuru? What happened, no answer? Kawtha kaane dhukchhe naa (can’t you hear me)?”

The defeated scribe had long surrendered and seeing his fate so had the others in the room. However, Didi was unrelenting. “Bawlo, why is there Prestige Shantiniketan building in your city if Bengalis are not majority? You know what Shantiniketan is? It is a name given by Gurudeb! And that reminds me, isn’t there also a Rabindranath Tagore Nagar in your city? RT Nagar, aachhe ki naa? Tobe? Gyaan nei, pawrashuno nei, khaali phnopordaalali (nitpicking without properly studying a topic)!”

Mr. Hakim, who till now was looking captivated by his boss’s command over Bengaluru’s geography, suddenly felt the urge to contribute. After getting Didi’s consent by asking, “Didi, aami ektu boli (may I speak)?”, the Mayor of Kolkata added, “Also, you have MG Road, we also have MG Road. Why? Why so much similarity?”

At this point murmurs of disapproval among the scribes could be heard in the room. Sensing the disquiet, party spokesperson Mr. O’Brien quickly shot down Hakim’s suggestion stating that there is hardly a city in India that doesn’t have an MG Road. And barring Delhi, everywhere else it was named after the same great man! Mr. O’Brien said MG Road clearly had nothing to do with the burgeoning Bong population in the city. Instead, the flourishing businesses of Bengali confectioners in the city was a better indicator he said.

This immediately got Didi’s endorsement. She said, “Ekdom! In which other city do you think

Banchharams and K.C. Dass would do such good business?”, as O’Brien basked in the glory of his boss’s approval and threw scornful glances at a clearly morose Hakim as a halo of one-uppance surrounded him.

When asked by a journalist if the party’s slogan in Bengaluru will still be Maa, Maati, Maanush, Mr. O’Brien said, “We don’t believe in having the same slogan everywhere. In Bengaluru, we have decided to go with ‘My City, My Pride, My Responsibility’”. When informed that this was a direct translation of the Bengaluru NavaNirmaana Party’s (BNP) slogan – ‘Nanna nagara, Nanna hemme, Nanna jawabdari’, the TMC spokesperson clearly looked surprised and failed to come up with a satisfactory answer. People present in the room noted how this incident brought a smile back on Mr. Hakim’s face and the halo over O’Brien’s head disappeared.

Trying to steady the clearly turbulent ship, Ms. Banerjee took over and said, “We are in the process of finalizing the candidates for the wards. Meanwhile, as they say, since God could not be everywhere, He made parents, I also do the same. Since I cannot be everywhere, the face of the party here will be Aindrita Ray”. Immediately Ms. Ray, a Kannada heroine of repute, entered the room and touched Didi’s feet to seek her blessings. Didi continued, “Who better than Aindrita? She is Bengali but acts in Kannada films – the perfect combination!”

Ms. Ray then briefly addressed the media and said, “I have lived my life here in Bengaluru, but I am a bong at heart! I have also done a Bengali film - Bachchan, and so clearly understand what the Bongs want as well.” When asked why she thinks she understands Bongs despite never living in Bengal, Ms. Ray said, “I had a song in my Bengali movie that goes ‘Tui aamar taatka Priya Marie re, lebu chaaye taatka Priya Marie re”. It means – you are the Marie biscuit that I love having with my lemon tea. See, Marie and lebu Chaa (lemon tea) are both extremely basic asks for Bongs, and I had both those incorporated in my song. So clearly, I understand Bongs better than most!” At this point, the press conference ended with a special screening of the aforementioned song that Ms. Ray plans to extensively use during campaigning.

As the news of Didi’s press conference reached leaders of various political parties in Karnataka, the reactions were mixed. Chief Minister Mr. Yeddyurappa from BJP said, “All the Banerjees, Mukherjees, Chatterjees, Ghoshs, Duttas of Bengaluru, beware! If you were not born here, and we will check your papers, you have to leave! Keep your papers ready! We will work with all organizations and MNCs to ensure Bongs are not given jobs in the city!” When informed that certain surnames like Das, Dutta were used by both Bongs as well as people from other states, the confused CM said, “this clearly calls for a well-defined strategy. I will let Motabhai Amit Shah handle this crisis!”

Senior Congress leader D.K Shivakumar, however, was less concerned. He said, “Bongs are not used to voting! They don’t do it in their own state, they have a proxy mechanism where the votes are cast even without them stepping out of their homes! Mark my words, the Bongs won’t even come out to vote, and who else do you think will vote for TMC?”

JDS leader and former CM H.D. Kumaraswamy refused to comment and said he will speak with his beloved Didi directly on this.

Meanwhile, we reached out to various Bengalis in Bengaluru to understand what they are thinking. Eight of the ten people we contacted refused to comment saying they were busy attending client meetings or fixing production bugs that could not be sold as undocumented features to the client. The remaining two said, on the condition of anonymity, that they preferred their bhaatghum (post-lunch siesta) over standing in queues to vote, and that they had never ever voted in their lives. They also said that elections without violence and bloodshed was an unfamiliar concept, and they believed that elections were like corona virus – the only way to stay safe is to stay home!