[SATIRE] Man Wins Nobel for LinkedIn Profile; Wife Files for Divorce

Bengaluru. India has got its next Nobel laureate in Literature! And it comes from the unlikeliest of candidates. 42 year old Bengaluru man Badal Engineer, who works for a boutique software development firm, has bagged the prestigious award for his LinkedIn profile!

The official statement released by the Swedish Academy said, “Mr. Engineer is being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature for his mastery of contemporary biographical fiction.”

When we contacted Engineer, he said, “I really don’t know how to react, I’m running out of emoticons! It is truly an exasperating farrago of emotions right now, as Mr. Tharoor had said, to be named alongside the great Rabindranath Tagore!”

We did manage to get our hands on an excerpt from Badal’s award winning profile.

Explaining their decision, a Swedish Academy spokesperson said, “We are continually expanding our horizons. Literature is no longer just novels and stories and poems! For the award, we consider any piece of work that is original, imaginary and provides wholesome entertainment. And I have no hesitation is stating that some of the best fiction of our times can be found on LinkedIn.”

Engaging in a detailed critique of Engineer’s award winning work, the spokesperson further said, “Isn’t it surreally fictitious that one individual can play so many different roles simultaneously? Also, if you look at the unlocked customer value mentioned – USD 15 Bn – around 60 or so countries on this planet have a lower annual GDP than that! It is just a fascinating figment of the writer’s imagination!”

The spokesperson continued, “Mr. Engineer in his profile says that he has 15+ years of experience in blockchain technologies – a technology that has only been around for about a decade! It is a startling revelation which implies that either Mr. Engineer is Satoshi Nakamoto himself, or he is a close aide! Either way, it is a fabulous story!”

“The attached CV is no less surreal! It contains detailed descriptions of the mission critical and life changing projects that the writer claims to have undertaken and makes for an engaging read. The use of language is beautiful as well. Note how he just says Enabler in his profile, without really mentioning what or who he enables. It makes the reader think. It is an intellectually stimulating masterpiece! We also did find mentions of Kafka in his CV, which we understand is a technology term. However, the resemblances to the works of the great Franz Kafka are there for everyone to see.”

Franz Kafka, a German novelist and short story writer, is widely regarded as one of the major figures of 20th century literature. His works often explored themes of absurdity.

Confirming that the LinkedIn profile is indeed a work of fiction, a few of Engineer’s colleagues said, “The only cloud experience he has are the two fundamental level certifications he has completed for the Amazon and Microsoft clouds. That too he needed 2 attempts to clear the Amazon exam. And of course he uses Office365 which is cloud based.”

Meanwhile, this remarkable news of Engineer’s achievement follows a not-so-happy development. Reports suggest that Engineer’s doctor wife, Sanjeevani, has recently walked out of their marriage. Their only daughter Athena is also in Sanjeevani’s custody right now.

When we contacted Sanjeevani, she said, “I am happy for him. But I can no longer stay with a man who’s forgotten casual English conversation. He can no longer complete one full sentence without using annoying corporate jargon!” To prove her point, Sanjeevani shared multiple screenshots from WhatsApp chats between the couple and said, “Firstly we don’t talk anymore! Because he is eternally on calls. Always, like 16 hours a day. Even on weekends. So we chat on WhatsApp. But is this how you interact with your spouse?” [Click on picture to enlarge]

She further said that efforts on her part to resurrect the relationship have largely been futile. “I tried giving it back, and I can show you messages where I did that! Couldn’t continue for too long though. Because I am not like that as a person, right? I mean, as doctors we don’t scare our patients with intimidating names and terminology, right? We try to explain using terms that they understand!”

In an unprecedented show of solidarity though, Sanjeevani has received support from her mother-in-law Mrs. Sweety Engineer. She told us, “I know my son, and I know how incredibly difficult it can be to live with him. I stay alone in Mumbai. Once I had asked him to order some medicines online for me and he asked me to drop him an email with the details, and also block his calendar if possible. Whatever on earth that means!”

Badal on his part says he hasn’t consciously done anything to irritate anybody. “I am an Engineer not just by profession. It’s part of my identity right? It’s my family name, it is who we are. You know Farouk Engineer, the cricketer, he is my uncle. He is famous yes, but did he live up to the family name? No. I did! And on top of that my father named me Badal. Such a visionary he was that he could foresee the cloud boom 4 decades back! Don’t you think I have a responsibility? And all this talk about jargon, again it is an integral part of any engineer’s identity. People won’t take us seriously if we suddenly stopped using them and started making sense!”

Sanjeevani, however, remains steadfast in her resolve to end the marriage. She says it is affecting their child’s future. “Athena is just 6, and she has already started asking me if I have a clear roadmap and growth plan for her. I don’t want her to grow up with this disgusting baggage of jargon!”

She says it is a difficult decision, but one that was necessary. “I decided to walk out the moment I heard Athena asking me one day, ‘Mamma, after I was born, did I crawl or did I hit the ground running?’”