[SATIRE] After Corona, Masakali 2.0 Causing Acute Shortage of Sanitizers in India

Mumbai. The hand sanitizer industry in India, already reeling from a shortage of supply as the COVID-19 pandemic continues to create havoc in the country, now has a new challenge to confront – Masakali 2.0!

Reports from across the country suggest that people listening to the revamped version of Masakali – the A.R. Rahman classic from Delhi-6 – have been running helter-skelter in search of sanitizers for their ears.

Victims say that listening to the song for more than 15 seconds is harmful and causes ear trouble. In most cases it begins with itching and mild irritation in the ear canal and the pain worsens as the song progresses.

Listeners who did not have alcohol-based sanitizers handy and ready for cleansing their ears reported partial to complete Dysmelodia, also called Amusia or tone-deafness. In certain extreme cases, especially in young adults who have grown up listening to Rahman classics, bleeding from the ear and ruptured eardrums have also been reported.

Reputed ENT specialist Dr. Sangeet Kanphade agrees that there has recently been a spurt in Dysmelodia cases. “Yes, the numbers have gone up significantly”, he says. He also suggests a simple test that can be done at home to find out if someone is showing Amusia symptoms.

“Play two songs in quick succession. The first can be any random Badshah or Honey Singh number. The second can be anything that Badshah or Honey Singh doesn’t feature in – any Rahman, Pritam, Shreya Ghoshal or Arijit Singh song. If you can’t tell one song from another, that is if both sound similar to you, then you need to consult an ENT right away!”

Meanwhile doctors at the Fortis and Apollo hospitals also say that there has been a considerable increase in the number of patients admitted with Musicogenic seizure cases since 8th April – the day Masakali 2.0 was let loose on unsuspecting Indian audiences. Musicogenic seizure, also called music-induced seizure, is a rare type of seizure with an estimated prevalence of 1 in 10 million individuals.

The Ministry of Health has also quickly swung into action. A spokesperson from the ministry said, “We are keeping a close watch on the situation. Last we checked, Masakali 2.0 had garnered about 27 million views. That’s a lot of people! But we are actively working on IP Tracing in order to try and track those individuals down and reach out for further action.”

The ministry spokesperson also said, “Meanwhile, our earnest request to everyone who has been exposed to this pathogen is to kindly maintain social media distancing. Do not like, share or comment on any post that is even remotely related to this!”

However, unfazed by all the commotion that his song has created, composer Tanishk Bagchi, when contacted, said, “It’s all one big conspiracy! From Anu Malik to Pritam, everyone has copied music in the industry. Why did people not have ear issues then?”

Responding to Bagchi’s accusation, acclaimed music director Pritam said, “Nakal me bhi akal hona chahiye! I accept I copy, but I don’t murder classics! I copy from Arabic or Korean songs. By the time people find out the original, the song is long forgotten, and a new song is already topping the charts!”

Composer Anu Malik was more animated in his response. Singing one of his most popular compositions in his own inimitable style he said, “Unchi hai building, aur lift teri bandh hai! Listen, I am at such a high pedestal that these kids like Bagchi can only dream of getting here! And I came here the hard way – using the stairs. These kids feel remaking some of our songs will be the lift that brings them here, but it won’t! I emphasize – lift teri bandh hai, aur bandh rahega!”

Supporting Bagchi and giving this debate a whole new spin, Tara Sutaria, of SOTY2 fame, said, “I know why people are doing this to me! It’s just that Siddharth (Malhotra, who has acted in the video) and I are not from film families! No such controversy would’ve happened if it were Alia and Ranbir in the video! It’s a clear case of nepotism!”

Sutaria, who was inconsolable throughout the interview, continued, “Since when did people start listening to music? I’ve always known that music is to be seen, not heard! Haven’t you heard the song – Video Killed the Radio Star? I mean who listens to tunes and lyrics and all that? As long as you can hear the drumbeats and see the video, you can dance! What else do you need music for? What is all this sudden obsession with hearing music?”

The sanitizer manufacturers, meanwhile, are incensed at this new development. Rakesh Kapoor, the outgoing CEO of Reckitt Benckiser India – the company that owns the Dettol brand – said, “The release of this song could not have come at a worse time! As it is, we are struggling to keep up with the demand in the wake of COVID-19, and now this! I would like to urge the central government to put in place a blanket ban of the T-Series YouTube channel till we find quicker raw material supplies.”

Dr. Kanphade says that while there is no scientific research that proves the efficacy of alcohol-based sanitizers in treating ear issues, there is no harm in trying. He says with a smile, “I’ve heard the song myself, you definitely need something, whatever it is, to sanitize your ears. In fact, after listening to this you probably need a sanitizer for your mind and soul as well!”

Meanwhile, some news channels are also reporting cases of pigeon deaths from across the nation. A senior vet who is aware of the development said that most of the deaths were due to sudden heart failures.

Whether the two incidents are related remains to be seen.